four leaf clover

I have failed at many, many things.

I have failed at relationships of all shapes and sizes, jobs and certain various life tasks.

I was the world’s worst waitress. I could never remember small details like ketchup, extra water and details that clouded my mind and seemed to offer constant distractions.

I failed at marriage. And I failed at having children. I decided that I was a worthwhile person, and not one to be taken advantage of or made to feel inferior.

I have failed at love in many ways. Plants have been left un-watered, simple gestures that make peace such as a smile or wave, have often been neglected by me, the dog has not been walked as often as I would have liked, and friends have come and gone.

I failed at a championship basketball game when I scored two points for the other team, and I failed to learn that life lesson for decades.

I failed at being a social worker. I thought my pure instinct could change severe behavioral issues and make a difference. Hundreds of children returned to drug use, drug sales, the streets, violence and gangs. I failed at changing all of them.

I have also failed at being a deli owner, a landscape owner, a copier sales rep, an orthopedic sales rep and a janitorial sales rep.

I’m sure if I thought about it I could think of a longer list of failures.

I have failed probably hundreds, if not thousands, of times at life’s curveballs, fastballs, and knuckleballs.

I have also, however, had just as many chances to shake things up a bit.

Although a bad waitress, the worst really, I did make lifelong friends while waiting tables, pouring pints, and running food. These friends offer wonderful stories, support and humor…to this day.

Although divorced, I did follow my heart, listened to myself, and take a chance. Chances in love may be mistakes and failures we live with for years, lifetimes and maybe even beyond, but they are chances I will take every, single time. And as much as I thought I did not and would not have a child, somehow, the Universe saw things differently. I have learned how to potty train, ride a bicycle (again), learn the names of Santa’s reindeer(again) and patience. I have learned Patience. I have also taught of few of those lessons and gained the respect and love of a small child.

I have recently learned that a simple gesture, hello, wave or sometimes even hug, can change a person’s day, attitude and outlook on life. I have become less stingy with smiles and waves, and although I may never see how it all plays out, I know it changes people, just a little.

Although a failure in one basketball game, I did go on to play in college and participate in events that most never get the chance to see. Sports taught me life lessons that will never be forgotten and will always be passed on.

Many, many children that I tried to reach returned to prison, but one did not. One moved away, gained successful employment, and has yet to return to his old lifestyle. Two years ago I saw this boy, now a man, at a store and he called out my name and thanked me for saving his life. I did not make a noticeable change to many, but I did help one child, before it was too late.

I have ridden the pine, stepped into the box, and even hit that homerun. I have failed, I have succeeded and at times, I have just watched.

As each chance presents itself I ask my Self which option is the best. As I listen to that little voice, I know I will most always, grab the bat, take a deep breath, step into the batter’s box and dream of the sweet spot. I will take the time to smell the fresh cut grass of youthful days on the field of life.

I will take it all in as each molecule represents some source of meaning that I may or may not understand. I may never know where my actions will lead, but I do know that I will go down swinging. I will have faith in my little voice, faith in the fact that the other side is unknown and faith that I will fail many, many times in this lifetime and I will embrace them all. I will also have faith that where I am is where I should be, and not necessarily where I thought I might land.

Faith.

I hope as the New Year approaches and resolutions are made that you take the time to celebrate your many failures for what they really are.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Peace, always, Chris

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www.fourleafclover.us

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 20th, 2009 at 5:47 pm and is filed under Essays.



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