For the first time in a long time, I decided to sit this one out.
I decided to stay on the shore, and wish to disappear
into the sand
and hope, no one would notice.
I was tired of the rough seas, bright streaking lightening against the peaceful, quiet sky and angry thunder that interrupted the calm,
it was not as I had been told, the angels bowling after all. It was what it was, and always had been,
a storm blowing in.
Nothing more glamorous than that.
And certainly nothing that amounted to anything romantic, spiritual or even symbolic.
I would sit here this time, and watch the wind and the rain,
beat relentlessly on the helpless open blue, my open blue….and not care. There was no calming this storm, and no paddling out into it. Today it owned me.
I was tired, in my mind and soul, and my prayers were no longer working.
Maybe I was doing something wrong, or worse yet,
maybe this storm was my own,
and I could not escape it.
I could do nothing now, but sit and watch the storm roll in,
and take what it wants to the beyond, and leave behind what it wasn’t ready for,
or didn’t want.
Today, I can only sit on my board
and wish for my comfortable tweed chair,
and calmer waters
and calmer days
and a calmer soul.
I will wish with all I have, and pray in a way that suits me,
and know that the storm will go when it wants
and take with it
all the best there is to offer,
and leave behind at will, what doesn’t suit It.
Today I sit in the middle of a terrible storm,
raging from within,
and hope for peace.
I wish for something I cannot see,
and as darker clouds still roll in from the beyond
I sit, unable to move.
All I can do is wait for a day, a time, and a place,
where the waters are clear, calm, and welcoming.
Today though,
that time does not exist.
Not even on the ticks between the second hand,
on the cosmic clock that insists on keeping score,
and forcing unwelcoming rites of passage
and taking what it owns,
no matter the price.
Tonight, dark clouds are rolling in
and I fear they will never leave,
and the storm will rage on forever.
PS Please send any well wishes, positive thoughts and prayers to my Mom. What we thought was dizziness from a surgery turned out to be a terminal illness. Thank you in advance for any thoughts, wishes and prayers you can send and/or spare.
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