four leaf clover

Tonight, I leave my worries with you.
I will not handle them alone, or spread the heavy weight of desperate wishes and hope for a miracle, among the thought filled prayers of my friends.
Just tonight I will leave lists unwritten, nightmares unseen, and untouched wine bottles,
alone,
on the shelf.

I will also ask that you alone shoulder these painful thoughts, prayers of faith and messages from the depths of sorrow that get sent to the great unknown all too often.

Please let a young father and devoted husband sleep soundly tonight,
knowing his sick wife is safe, and his young son, will find his way
on this mysterious dark path littered with questions, shadows, and only hope for a miracle. Something he pleads for with every ounce of his small body but has yet to understand fully, and something we all pray he never has to.
Tonight let their worries vanish
and rest on your shoulders, far away from their home, the hospital, friends and family who keep praying….
night after night, sunrise to sunset, for that bright young woman to find herself within the depths of her Self and be well and vibrant once again.

As a tired husband (who is not as young as he was once), cares for his ill wife and worries about money, prescriptions, and the future that is mostly unknown, I wish for him, and her, a pain free night of pure love, pure joy,
hand holding, and memories of good times gone by.
Shoulder their worries, I ask, just for tonight
and let the ghosts come and go quietly, unseen.
Let them visit at will but also guide them back home in safety, and remind them that tonight one angel will remain, holding hands with her one and only love, and keep fighting her disease on the battleground of her body, her mind and her spirit.

As a young boy struggles to leave the safety of his bed, and a mother and father search for a meaning, any meaning for the brutal murder of their young son, let their minds and tired bodies rest. They look up at the stars searching, always searching and the answer they fear, may never be clear enough to recognize, or loud enough to hear. Tonight, as they gaze off at the heavens, let them see the stars and the moon brightly and let them gain strength from what they once gazed at, young in love and hearts full of dreams. Let your eyes be their guide so they can gather strength to face the sunrise, together.

Tonight as families struggle to make sense of senseless situations, let them find each other in peace, and with the knowledge that their fears will be shouldered by another,
just for tonight.

I ask you this, as I have now for four months and fifteen days just tonight, my friend, bring rest to those who continue to arrive each morning, each sunrise and each spare moment they salvage, to the battlefield. Just for tonight.

Until tomorrow my friend….until then….

Peace, just for tonight, Chris
www.fourleafclover.us

Paddling,
angry, tired, cold
looking for the break, the undertow,
or a way to blend into the sea.

They are here now
mocking me, dancing on the yellow, spit colored foam.
I curse them, and with each foul word I scream
I punch her,
again and again and again and again.

She has the nerve to bleed.

As the saltwater mixes with my dark red blood, it streams
across the bubbles of surf wax
that were applied in another time
a happy time, a time that held hope and promise,
when the smell of surf wax and salt air still brought me peace.

This day casts only angry watery shadows,
across the dark, murky medium
where only days before, I would not have dared go.

We were all here now,
I cannot find the cork
and even if I could, they won’t go back in the bottle.

I dig deep into the salty depths, slicing my hands on the
unwelcoming icy water,
offering her more blood.

But it never seems enough.

I wonder,
does the ocean have a drain?

Numb.

Peace, always….Chris

www.fourleafclover.us

Like so many of us, my family has seen its share of sickness, sadness and death. We have come together as a family to do home hospice twice, and sat in silence at the graves of our loved ones, speechless.

On July 2nd, as most people were preparing for a long weekend and fireworks, (myself included) some One else was busy planning something entirely different. This something would bring a family to its knees in both anger, sadness and prayer. My mother, who had been struggling with a painful Achilles heel, finally had surgery, but didn’t feel “quite right” afterwards. July 2nd held the answer.

In the office of her doctor she turned yellow with jaundice and was taken to the ER. After many tests, and even a transfer to the Lahey Clinic it was clear. She had inoperable pancreatic cancer.

As each day goes by, (it’s now Day 12) we cling to each other, pray, tell stories and ask anyone and everyone to send their positive vibes our way.

Yesterday we were informed that many of her prescriptions would not be covered by insurance, especially the ones that actually work. My anger and rage, in this instance, sparked an idea. What could we all do to help? Everyone has been thinking of her and praying and offering to help….with anything/everything.

The PURPLE Bracelet Campaign was born! Through the efforts of a wonderful soul, and for yet another tragedy, we have many purple bracelets. Purple happens to be the color for pancreatic cancer survivors. (Yes, I added the word survivors….editorial privilege I suppose)

The bracelets are blank on purpose. They serve as a reminder to stop, breathe and love. The message is not on the bracelet because it is within you. Although I ask that while you do this you ask the Folks Upstairs to leave the Brooks family (and the Kenney family) alone for now and let us heal, it is just as important for YOU to stop and breathe and respect life.

We are bombarded with the saying Life is Short. I can say it is, and you never know the plan totally, so make it all count and keep praying, and listening and sending positive energy.

The bracelet campaign is limited, once they’re gone, they’re gone. I urge everyone to please support this idea by buying one. The cost is $6 and all the money will go to my parents to help cover prescription costs. They have been moved to tears (and happy ones for a nice change) by the overwhelming support and love from friends, family and strangers.

Thank you all for keeping her close to your heart, it has helped tremendously!

Peace, Chris

Please send any donation from PayPal to chris@fourleafclover.us or email me for my address to send a check. Thank you in advance for everything!

www.fourleafclover.us

For the first time in a long time, I decided to sit this one out.
I decided to stay on the shore, and wish to disappear
into the sand
and hope, no one would notice.

I was tired of the rough seas, bright streaking lightening against the peaceful, quiet sky and angry thunder that interrupted the calm,
it was not as I had been told, the angels bowling after all. It was what it was, and always had been,
a storm blowing in.
Nothing more glamorous than that.
And certainly nothing that amounted to anything romantic, spiritual or even symbolic.

I would sit here this time, and watch the wind and the rain,
beat relentlessly on the helpless open blue, my open blue….and not care. There was no calming this storm, and no paddling out into it. Today it owned me.
I was tired, in my mind and soul, and my prayers were no longer working.
Maybe I was doing something wrong, or worse yet,
maybe this storm was my own,
and I could not escape it.

I could do nothing now, but sit and watch the storm roll in,
and take what it wants to the beyond, and leave behind what it wasn’t ready for,
or didn’t want.

Today, I can only sit on my board
and wish for my comfortable tweed chair,
and calmer waters
and calmer days
and a calmer soul.

I will wish with all I have, and pray in a way that suits me,
and know that the storm will go when it wants
and take with it
all the best there is to offer,
and leave behind at will, what doesn’t suit It.

Today I sit in the middle of a terrible storm,
raging from within,
and hope for peace.
I wish for something I cannot see,
and as darker clouds still roll in from the beyond
I sit, unable to move.
All I can do is wait for a day, a time, and a place,
where the waters are clear, calm, and welcoming.

Today though,
that time does not exist.
Not even on the ticks between the second hand,
on the cosmic clock that insists on keeping score,
and forcing unwelcoming rites of passage
and taking what it owns,
no matter the price.

Tonight, dark clouds are rolling in
and I fear they will never leave,
and the storm will rage on forever.

PS Please send any well wishes, positive thoughts and prayers to my Mom. What we thought was dizziness from a surgery turned out to be a terminal illness. Thank you in advance for any thoughts, wishes and prayers you can send and/or spare.